My dad has been in hospice care since December 14th. This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
On Friday, December 14th when I was there and he was getting signed into hospice, he was up in his wheel chair, smoking a cigar, and asked me how I was doing. I believe the 14th was one of the last days he ate anything. And even then, since December 6th or 7th what little he has eaten had been cut back to only a bit. For a week he was eating a bit of yogurt, some soup, and some carnation shakes. However, pretty much since December 24th he hasn't eaten anything. So we just are watching him get skinnier and skinnier.
There are days when I am there that he knows who I am. Then there are days where I don't think he knows I am there with him. One day when I got there Reva told him that Stephanie was there. He asked, "Stephanie who" and that was hard! But I am hoping it was maybe he thought a different Stephanie and someone who worked in the hospice program.
When I was there on Tuesday, he was pretty out of it. However, I think he could hear me. I told him he was an amazing dad and that I loved him very much. I really think he moved his fingers at me in his acknowledgment that he heard me. Today he seemed much more aware of me. Which is shocking because we are going on what, over two weeks of no food into his body and only a few tablespoons of water a day.
Today, he smiled at me when I came in. And I looked at him and I told him again how much I loved him. He said he loved me too, and looked up at me and asked me to give him a kiss. I then started talking to Reva, mom, and Jenn so took a bit longer to leave, I went back to give him another hug and said well I was really now leaving but I got to talking. He smiled with a big smile at me and said that he loved me again. I really hope that I don't forget his look today. When I held his hand and could just sit with him.
I am going to miss him so much when he is gone. We've had our hard times as a family, but the thing is, is that he's my dad. I love him and hate to think what he is going through right now. And that he is in pain and possibly scared of what is ahead of him. I know that he has been speaking with the chaplain and he went to church, so I really feel that this has allowed him time to speak with God and lay everything out with him to start to have peace about the future and that he will be in heaven.
It is so hard because I don't want to drag out this time, because he is just in pain, but that would mean that my dad would really have to pass away to no longer be in pain. There is no cure, or miracle that is going to make him better. I just miss him, I miss his humor, I miss his laugh, and his tall tales. And I don't feel that at the age of 31 I really should be meeting with people to discuss his memorial service. He's too young, he's only 63.
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