30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me

I love reading others blogs and I follow one that has started doing a series on thirty things she wants her kids to know about her.  I thought it was a great idea.  I also just recently saw this on pinterest as well so I am hoping that I can work on these whenever I have a few minutes to write a blog but am not sure what I want to write about.

Here is the original blog it was listed on (at least the one I think it came from):
http://www.babymakingmachine.com/2012/11/30-things-my-kids-should-know-about-me.html

I most likely will be skipping around and my goal is going to try to get all thirty of these answered within the next year.  Considering I only occasionally blog this might be hard to accomplish :)

Today I will start with number 1 on the list and have them be for my kids to know.  So... here goes 20 random facts about myself.

1. I do not keep a company ready house every day of the week.  Working full time gives me very few hours in the evening to spend getting dinner on the table, the house clean, and spending quality time with the husband and kids.  Not to mention occasionally having down time just for myself.  Because of this our house can spiral out of control.  I am trying to do better, but I don't let it get to me.  The house is disorganized and times, but not dirty.  In all honesty, I'd rather spend that time cuddling on the couch reading books with my kids then to always go to bed with not a toy on the floor.  It's not how we live our life!

2. I love my job!  As much as a hate being away from my kids I really do love what I do.  And I think I am good at it.  I don't make a ton of money, but I do have awesome perks (school breaks are amazing!).  To me it is so important loving what you do over how much money you make.  Working is such a huge part of your life, I will spend so many hours of my life working and I want to enjoy what I do.

3. I don't think I am meant to be a stay at home mom.  This is a very hard one for me to admit.  I love my kids more then anything.  But I go stir crazy after a few weeks.  And I really need adult interaction. I think in my ideal world I would work 2-3 days a week.  But I don't know if I could handle never having a job.  It ties along with part of number 2.  I really do love what I do and I would miss not being a school counselor.

4. I will usually read the ending of a book before I buy it.  I love to read.  I love to escape into another world a couple hours a week.  But, I am not spending money on a bad ending.  I read for my enjoyment and if it is a horrible ending I am not spending my time on it!  Reading is my escape, the main characters better all live and be together by the end of the book or it will not be one I buy!

5. I know what it's like to have to go 2 weeks with only $8 dollars in my checking account.  Paul and I hit some very tough times financially when he lost two jobs (due to buyouts nothing he could control) in the first two months of our marriage.  I can say that even almost 7 years later we are still recovering financially from those jobs that he lost.  We could have very well been homeless if we didn't have family that could help us out.  I will never take for granted our jobs and the home we live in because I know how very close we came to losing it.

6. I love my tennis shoes.  I am not a very dressy person.  I would live in jeans, a t-shirt, and my tennis shoes if I could.  I am so thankful that Paul actually likes my hair in a pony tail and in jeans and sneakers best or else we'd be in trouble!  I like the occasional event to get dressed up and go out in heels, but for every day please let me wear my tennis shoes!

7. I am a horrible driver in the snow.  Seriously... I'm terrible.  I'm so cautious I make things worse.  I get so freaked out with any bit of snow that I should probably move some place warm just so I have less anxiety about driving to work in bad weather.

8. I hate balloons.  I hate going to red robin and seeing all those kids playing with balloons.  And I hope that Sam and Ally do not feel that I have given them a bad childhood because I never let those balloons into our house...

9. One of the best things I have done in my life is go away to Ireland for 5 months.  Moving away right after college and going on that adventure has shaped me into who I am.  I am much more independent and happy with where I am right now in life because I took that time away just for me.  As much as I missed Paul while gone, I am not looking back and wishing I had done more things before we got married.  Because I did go off and see some parts of the world while I was still young with no responsibilities back home.

10. I am an impulse buyer.  Seriously... I think I buy something from a checkout lane every single time.

11. I cannot say no to kids books.  Our upstairs is over flowing with kids books, but I love to read and I want my kids to always have new books.  Sam already loves his books and Ally is well on her way as well.

12. I don't regret for a minute rocking Sam and and Ally to sleep each night.  It would take us close to an hour some nights to get Sam, and then Ally, down for bed because we would rock them until they were asleep.  But man, that snuggling time was worth every minute.  And, they each let us know on their own time when they were ready to change that.  Both of them can fall asleep on their own, but that time cuddling with them when they were babies is so worth the time that I spent away from getting things done around the house.

13.  I like young adult television shows and books.  Yep... I'll admit it.  I am a sucker for all things YA. Throw in some vampires and werewolves and I am about as happy as I can be!  I love mindless tv and books where I can use no brain cells what so ever to keep up with plots and characters!

14.  The tv is on more then it should be in our house.  I have to have background noise.  I go crazy in quietness and that tends to have the tv on more then it should.  I need to get better at this!

15. I love to cook.  If I had more time in the day I'd make meals every day at home.  But unless I am really good at planning ahead that doesn't happen.  But I love cooking and making new meals.  And I love that the kids are so interested in what I am doing now and want to help with everything I make.

16. I want a new car.  And I am afraid I will always be wanting a new car.  I love my car, and am always happy with the car I buy.  But I like new cars.  It's my dad in me :)

17. I want a new house.  Not along the same lines as always wanting a new car, but more for the fact that this is the first house we built and there are things I know now, that I wish I had none when we were looking for our first house.  We have a great side yard, but a terrible back yard, and we are way to close to our neighbors.  Unfortunately... Paul gets upset whenever I talk of moving because he loves this house so much (of course he hates change of any kind!) so it'll be an interesting few years to see what we actually do and if we move like I so very much want!

18. I followed my high school boyfriend to college!  I turned down a scholarship to ISU to follow Paul to Purdue.  Although... it really did work out to our advantage because we are married now :)  I am not sure what I will think if one of my kids tries to do that though...

19. I try to keep an optimistic outlook on life at all times.  That sounds cheesy I know, but here's the thing.  I can only take my life day by day.  There are struggles, and difficulties that I face and everyone faces every day.  But I can only control how I handle them.  Not how others do.  So, I need to keep my head up, and look for the positives because going through life with a negative attitude has to be so frustrating and depressing.  I am choosing to be happy.  And I am choosing to make the best of what I have been given in life.

20.  Random fact number 20... I now feel guilty that I haven't mentioned any random facts that revolve around God to this point.  God is a huge part of my life, but I am a selfish person as well.  I like to do things on my time.  For instance... this past Saturday is the first time I have been back to church since before my dad went into hospice.  I tend to think of weekends as my time, and not as needing to get to church to worship with other Christians.  I need to do better about this.  All of the gifts I have been given in life are from God and they are here to worship Him.  I need to make him a higher priority in life and hopefully will start to do that.

And there we have it... twenty random facts!  29 more of these to go before the end of the year!

Christmas #5 (part 1 and part 2)

I've had this post in the works for awhile now.  I know that it is already February, but with everything with my dad updating our Christmas took a back seat.  However, I really want the photos and memories preserved into this blog, so if I don't update now, I know I will start to forget some things!

Christmas #5 was with Paul's family.  It was a bit different then we had all expected.  With everything going on with my dad we weren't sure we would be able to attend.  And then Paul's grandmother ended up going into the hospital as well so Mary and Dennis were extremely busy taking care of her and getting things ready for Dan and Krystl to make it to Indy with the girls.  So, we ended up not celebrating until after Christmas.  I believe we all got together on December 27th (again... since I am waiting until February to actually write this certain details are fuzzy).

We started the night off with dinner at Cheddar's.  This is something new for us because we usually eat at Mary and Dennis's house.  But with Mary's mom in the hospital we all thought going out to eat would be better.  No prep time needed, no worry about clean up, and before going out to eat she could go be with her mom in the hospital if she wanted.  We got a great location at Cheddar's.  We had a huge table in the back corner for all of us.  And Sam, Lizzi, and Chloe had their own booth.  It's so weird seeing how big Sam is now that he can sit down at his own table, behave, and eat his food.  Lizzi did such a good job watching him.  She made sure he had milk, and his sleeves were rolled up.  He loved following her everywhere.  The girls had just gotten new Kindles from their grandparents in Texas and Sam had his new mobigo from Christmas so they all were able to play with those.  Sam also brought in cars and they rolled those around on the table until food got there as well.

Ally was over with us at the other booth for dinner.  The poor girl was miserable.  She was literally clingy to me and crying.  She has been having bathroom issues (she will be so glad one day when she knows I have posted all of this to the blog!!!) and it's painful for her anytime she has to go.  We have just started her on fiber gummies, but she was so miserable and in so much pain that she was stick straight, clingy to whoever was holding her, and crying.  So... dinner for me, not so relaxing.  But thankfully we were so out of the way at the restaurant her crying wasn't too disturbing that I could still stay with everyone and hold her, and not have to take her out of the restaurant.

After dinner we all loaded up the vehicles and went to Paul's parents house.  We were on our way there and things took a turn for the worse for poor Ally.  Her stomach was so upset and she was trying so hard to go to the bathroom that she got sick all over her carseat and herself.  We got in to Paul's parents house and got her cleaned up.  Thankfully we had a backup outfit for her in the diaper bag.  So, after she's cleaned up we attempted to get grandkid photos in front of the fireplace.  It doesn't go so well when you have 6 kids to try to get to look at the camera at one time.  These are some of the photos we got.  They are really cute even though they aren't all looking at the same time.  Please note that this was Ally's back up outfit.  We did have her in a very cute dress before the first puking stage :)

After kid photos we tried to get individual family photos.  Ours is posted at the top of the page.  Sam was in a silly mood and Ally still wasn't feeling well so ours did not turn out so great.  The following are some that I got of everyone else.

After family shots we listened to Dennis read the Christmas Story.  It's a family tradition of theirs and I think it's a great one.  Ally was very interested in the story as well.

After the story things went downhill fast for Allygator.  She started to feel even worse.  Was still trying to go potty and I knew she was going to be sick again.  So I asked Paul to watch her in the kitchen so if she did get sick we could easily clean her up.  I called my mom and she was so nice to volunteer to come over to our house (it was almost 8 at this point) and cuddle with Ally and keep her at home so I could go back over to the Rose side for Christmas.  Well, as I am packing stuff up, I here her crying and struggling and she had just wondered back into the living room and got sick again.  Paul and I got her cleaned up again, and back into the car to head home we went.  The following are photos Paul took while I was driving home, and getting her set up with my mom.

Once I got home, it would figure that she wasn't sick again and actually successfully had a dirty diaper.  Mom was great and got her cleaned up for me while I went and cleaned myself up from taking care of a sick baby.  She said she'd still stay there with her because Ally was so exhausted from all the crying that she really just needed some quiet time and some cuddle time.  Mom set up a movie on the couch and just cuddled with her all night and played toys with her.  Then rocked her to bed while I could head back to the Rose's.

Once back at the Rose's I basically was able to say goodbye to Denise and Dave.  They were taking their kids home to go to bed so they opened up their presents while I was gone.  Paul let Sam open up a few but waited for his big ones until I got there, which was nice of everyone so I could see him opening up his gifts.

 

After Dave and Denise left we were still opening up other presents (like I said it was a very different Christmas for this side this year!).  Because we didn't have Ally with us, we actually stayed pretty late since Sam is able to do well staying up past his bedtime now.  We left around 10 or 10:30 to get him to bed.  Ally was already asleep when we got home so putting Sam to bed took no time at all.

We had part 2 of our family Christmas that Saturday where Ally finally got to open up her presents.  She was feeling better and we wanted her to be able to open the gifts from everyone before Dan and Krystl left.

Ally got a new smart phone :)  She had very important phone calls to take!

Sam helping grandpa build Ally's new cradle.

All in all it was a really good Christmas.  We had a great time with family and seeing Dan and Krystl.  Sam loved the time with the girls and keeps asking us if he can see Lizzi and Chloe in Texas so Paul and I are going to have to get on a trip down there to see them soon!  Other then the Christmas being divided into two parts for Ally it was really great.

One Month Later

It has been really tough month for me.  I guess after awhile I started to think that I would get use to the fact that he is no longer here and the aching to speak with him would go down. Well... it hasn't.  If anything it seems to only get worse.

My dad and I didn't talk every day.  Some weeks we'd talk every couple of days, and other times it seems like we would let life get in the way and not talk for several weeks at a time. Which I think is part of what is causing me to miss him so much right now.  I will be driving in my car and just have this random thought of calling my dad.  And then it hits me that I can't.  I won't ever be able to speak to him again.  My mom, step-mom, and sister all have old voice mails from him.  I don't have any.  I don't know why, but for some reason right before he went into hospice I went into my old voice mails and deleted them all.  Every old message thinking it was just taking up space on my iPhone   Literally... I deleted them probably a week before we found out how little time he had left with us.  I hate that I did that.

I just never realized how much I would miss him.  My dad could be so frustrating at times. But he was my dad and I loved him and now just feel like there is this void that I can literally feel in my heart. I never really thought I'd feel a physical ache from missing him.  But I do.

After he died we went to the funeral home the very next day.  Even knowing this day was coming it was incredibly painful and hard to walk into the place and actually make the plans for what we wanted to happen.  My step-mom asked me if I wanted jewelry that had part of his cremation remains (called cremains... who knew that there was an actual term for this...) locked inside of it.  At first I was really put off by the idea.  I think my initial thought was that is disturbing and who would actually want this stuff.  However... the more I thought of it, the more I decided I needed this.  My dad was going to be cremated and at some point we were scatter his ashes somewhere.  I have no physical place to go visit him.  I never really thought that would bother me, but not having that made me realize I wanted something.  A necklace felt weird but they had a great bracelet that was available.  So I decided on that.  My step-mom and mom pitched in together to buy them for Jenn and I.  Which was really nice of them because this thing was $430 dollars.  The bracelet is really nice.  I have worn it every single day since I got it at his memorial service.  It has six silver loops and in one of the loops are part of his cremains.  No one would ever know unless I told them.  But there have been so many days that I have just held on to the one loop that contains those and have surprisingly felt a little bit of comfort.  I like having this as a reminder of him and feeling like he is close by to me.

Planning a funeral is so weird to me.  I have never had to do this before so I had no idea what to expect.  I honestly thought we got more to go on then we did.  We basically go in and decide order, time, etc.  I thought we'd have a format or something to go on.  So we went in to make these plans to the funeral chapel on Saturday at 1:00.  We decided to do the memorial service at 2:00 the next Saturday.  So that those from out of town could make it in to the service.  We were going to have an open visitation from 12 to 2.  Then anyone who wanted to stay for the service could.

We went through Costin Funeral Chapel in Martinsville, Indiana.  They were excellent.  Dad and Reva's neighbor actually works for them so dad specifically wanted that place because he trusted his neighbor.  They set everything up for us which was great.  We could bring in anything we wanted of Dad's to have out. Since Mike owns a sign shop he could print all the photos out onto big poster boards.  So Paul and I scanned in hundreds of photos and laid them out on six three foot by four foot poster boards and Mike printed them all out.  So the funeral home set those out around the room and then had a bunch of dad's stuff displayed.  His wake board, his Harley Davidson stuff, etc.  It was honestly a great tribute to dad.  Even if people visiting hadn't seen him in years they would have been able to get a feel for who he was and what he enjoyed.

So on Saturday we did the planning at the Chapel.  On Sunday and Monday we finalized flowers.  On Wednesday we met with the chaplain who would be doing the service to nail out all the details.  She was the hospice chaplain and had met with dad right after he went into hospice.  She got him on a good day and said that she felt like she got to know Dad really well.  I actually think she was a great person to do his service.  She was divorced (dad has been married 3 times so I really felt more comfortable with someone who was also divorced and remarried doing his funeral) and had also been through a 12 step program (like dad's time he spent in AA).  She drove a mini-cooper (dad's last car he was driving and newest favorite thing).  Again, I thought we'd have more of an outline on what to do, but it was totally up to us on the format we wanted.  She just gave suggestions as we went along.

So we planned out the 25 minutes service on Wednesday.  We were completely exhausted by the end of the day.  And at times we wondered how anyone could do this type of planning with only the three days you get for a traditional burial and with no advance warning that this was going to happen.  However, by Thursday and Friday I was so drained that I really felt a week was way to long to drag this out.  However, we needed the time to allow family from out of town to come in.

One of the really big stressors for me leading up to the day was the fact that my dad's brother was coming to the funeral with my grandma and aunt.  Now, this really shouldn't seem like a big stress but to put it into perspective I hadn't seen or spoken with my aunt and uncle in probably 7 years?  My grandma I had also lost touch with and that is mostly my own fault.  She lives in Wisconsin and it was a very strained relationship with my dad.  She always sends up a Christmas card and birthday cards, but I wasn't doing my best to keep up the relationship either.  She's 94 and I need to do better with keeping in contact even though my dad wasn't.  So... when I found out they were coming I was really worried that I would need to be playing hostess to these people I haven't seen the day of my dad's memorial service.  Thankfully it didn't turn out that way.  I could also tell that my uncle was pretty upset.  However, he and my dad didn't have a great relationship either.  I am actually kinda mad at him and I need to get over it.  My dad called him when he went into hospice when he was still coherent to talk and make amends.  My uncle didn't return his call for 2 weeks.  He says he didn't know how to check his voice mail and that's why he never called back until dad was past the point of talking.  But I don't know if I believe that.  And all I can think of is my dad calling to say he's sorry and waiting for a brother to call him back that never does.  We were all shocked to find out they were making the drive back for his funeral.  But in the end, I am glad they were there.

The memorial service was really nice I thought.  I got to the Chapel at 11:30.  Mom and I rode down together.  The layout was great.  You walk in to this huge open room that had the six huge boards of photos of my dad.  In one corner we had a tv scrolling through photos of my dad.  And in other areas we had it set up with his personal belongings such as his wake board and his harley gear.  My step-brother also brought in a tv that we had an sd card scrolling through all the photos as well.

It was surreal to be standing there and greeting people as they came in.  I was so out of sorts the whole day. For most of the visitation I was past the point of being able to cry because I had done so much crying the week before.  Plus you are so busy when you are immediate family in this situation because everyone is wanting to come up and give you their condolences and hugs.  Everyone for the most part did well with how they were saying things.  I did have one person come up and ask how I was doing.  They held on a bit too long and then said they knew it must be hard for me to think of the fact that never again would I be able to touch dad's hands or give him a hug (or something around that lines) and I just thought to myself... well gee hadn't gotten to that part of the processing yet so thanks for bringing it up here!  But really, other then that people were very good.

I was so glad that my friends were able to be there.  The memorial chapel had a room right up front off to the side that was still connected to the main room.  So the kids had a great place to spread out, be out of the way, and safely contained.  Jessi and Pam actually stayed with Sam during the memorial service.  Andrea and Aaron came. And so did Dave and Denise.

Dad had so many people show up.  It was really nice to see everyone be there to say their goodbyes.  My dad was that kind of person.  He was honestly full of life and loved to live his life to the fullest.  There were people who hadn't seen him in years but remembered him and wanted to come and tell the family how sorry they were that he was gone and that they had some great memories with him.  That makes you feel good.  To know how much of an impact he had on people.

The service started at 2.  Sam stayed in the side room where I could see him during the service and Ally sat on my lap.  It was a shock to be seated right up in the front row for the service.  I held it together for about the first 15 minutes.  Then just had a really hard time.  Paul also had a rough time because for him, it was really the first time it hit that this had happened.

The service format started with a reading from one of Dad's friends by Ben.  Then Anna played her flute.  Then we had a reading of the song "Forever Young" which is a great summary of dad and how he lived his life.  After that the chaplain said some words and then Dad's friend Bob spoke.  He did an excellent job describing dad and his life.  I am pretty sure that's when I started to cry.  After his reading Paul took all the kids up to the front and they sang Jesus Loves Me.  I doubt anyone past the first few rows heard them (really only Sam and Emma sang, Ally looked tired, and Luke I believe just hummed along) but it was a very sweet moment from the kids.  After that I believe there was a couple more readings and then the Serenity Prayer and The Lord's Prayer.  The ending point was going to be the song Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone by Chris Tomlin.  This part shocked me.  I thought it would just be the song then we would be dismissed.  I didn't realize it was when they would have everyone present for the memorial service walk out past you and give you hugs in the front row.  I did okay until my best friend from junior high and high school walked past.  Mary Sims went on several vacations with my dad and she just gave me a hug and said she was so sorry and I lost it.  Poor Ally was in the middle of this hug on my lap and we are both just crying and hugging.  It was so great to see her there, but that was one that really just set me off.

After all the hugging and crying and I got through the line of people it was time to gather up our belongings and head to lunch.  We went to Texas Corrall in Martinsville for lunch.  They did a great buffet set up that was ready when we got there.  We had our own private area and could just sit and talk with family and friends that decided to come with us.  We got there around 3 and probably stayed until 5.  While we were there Sam ended up throwing up.  At first I was terrified he had the flu and probably infected all those people who were there.  In the end he was fine, with no fever, and only that one episode so I think most likely it was all the junk food he had that day (lots of chocolate during the service) and McDonald's for lunch.  So because of that, Paul packed up the kids and left a bit earlier with his parents.  Which also helped me be able to go over to other tables to talk with people and visit and not feel like I had to watch out for the kids the whole time.

All in all, the service and lunch really turned out nice.  It was a good time to celebrate Dad and think of all the good times he had with others.  I was so exhausted by the end of the day though.  Definitely ready to crash.

The weekend after the memorial service we had our first family get together.  It really hit me at Emma's birthday that he was truly gone.  I remember pulling up in front of Jenn's house and looking around.  And at that moment it was like, Dad isn't here.  He won't be here.  And I can't imagine how hard it was for my step-mom to sign Emma's birthday card with just Gram... and not Poppy and Gram.

So yes... one month later I keep getting nasty reality checks.  And the tears just start again.  This Friday I realized it had been exactly 4 weeks since Dad had died.  And I just started crying.  I rocked Ally for almost two hours that night and cried the whole time.  At some point I'm sure this has to start getting less painful right?