It has been really tough month for me. I guess after awhile I started to think that I would get use to the fact that he is no longer here and the aching to speak with him would go down. Well... it hasn't. If anything it seems to only get worse.
My dad and I didn't talk every day. Some weeks we'd talk every couple of days, and other times it seems like we would let life get in the way and not talk for several weeks at a time. Which I think is part of what is causing me to miss him so much right now. I will be driving in my car and just have this random thought of calling my dad. And then it hits me that I can't. I won't ever be able to speak to him again. My mom, step-mom, and sister all have old voice mails from him. I don't have any. I don't know why, but for some reason right before he went into hospice I went into my old voice mails and deleted them all. Every old message thinking it was just taking up space on my iPhone Literally... I deleted them probably a week before we found out how little time he had left with us. I hate that I did that.
I just never realized how much I would miss him. My dad could be so frustrating at times. But he was my dad and I loved him and now just feel like there is this void that I can literally feel in my heart. I never really thought I'd feel a physical ache from missing him. But I do.
After he died we went to the funeral home the very next day. Even knowing this day was coming it was incredibly painful and hard to walk into the place and actually make the plans for what we wanted to happen. My step-mom asked me if I wanted jewelry that had part of his cremation remains (called cremains... who knew that there was an actual term for this...) locked inside of it. At first I was really put off by the idea. I think my initial thought was that is disturbing and who would actually want this stuff. However... the more I thought of it, the more I decided I needed this. My dad was going to be cremated and at some point we were scatter his ashes somewhere. I have no physical place to go visit him. I never really thought that would bother me, but not having that made me realize I wanted something. A necklace felt weird but they had a great bracelet that was available. So I decided on that. My step-mom and mom pitched in together to buy them for Jenn and I. Which was really nice of them because this thing was $430 dollars. The bracelet is really nice. I have worn it every single day since I got it at his memorial service. It has six silver loops and in one of the loops are part of his cremains. No one would ever know unless I told them. But there have been so many days that I have just held on to the one loop that contains those and have surprisingly felt a little bit of comfort. I like having this as a reminder of him and feeling like he is close by to me.
Planning a funeral is so weird to me. I have never had to do this before so I had no idea what to expect. I honestly thought we got more to go on then we did. We basically go in and decide order, time, etc. I thought we'd have a format or something to go on. So we went in to make these plans to the funeral chapel on Saturday at 1:00. We decided to do the memorial service at 2:00 the next Saturday. So that those from out of town could make it in to the service. We were going to have an open visitation from 12 to 2. Then anyone who wanted to stay for the service could.
We went through Costin Funeral Chapel in Martinsville, Indiana. They were excellent. Dad and Reva's neighbor actually works for them so dad specifically wanted that place because he trusted his neighbor. They set everything up for us which was great. We could bring in anything we wanted of Dad's to have out. Since Mike owns a sign shop he could print all the photos out onto big poster boards. So Paul and I scanned in hundreds of photos and laid them out on six three foot by four foot poster boards and Mike printed them all out. So the funeral home set those out around the room and then had a bunch of dad's stuff displayed. His wake board, his Harley Davidson stuff, etc. It was honestly a great tribute to dad. Even if people visiting hadn't seen him in years they would have been able to get a feel for who he was and what he enjoyed.
So on Saturday we did the planning at the Chapel. On Sunday and Monday we finalized flowers. On Wednesday we met with the chaplain who would be doing the service to nail out all the details. She was the hospice chaplain and had met with dad right after he went into hospice. She got him on a good day and said that she felt like she got to know Dad really well. I actually think she was a great person to do his service. She was divorced (dad has been married 3 times so I really felt more comfortable with someone who was also divorced and remarried doing his funeral) and had also been through a 12 step program (like dad's time he spent in AA). She drove a mini-cooper (dad's last car he was driving and newest favorite thing). Again, I thought we'd have more of an outline on what to do, but it was totally up to us on the format we wanted. She just gave suggestions as we went along.
So we planned out the 25 minutes service on Wednesday. We were completely exhausted by the end of the day. And at times we wondered how anyone could do this type of planning with only the three days you get for a traditional burial and with no advance warning that this was going to happen. However, by Thursday and Friday I was so drained that I really felt a week was way to long to drag this out. However, we needed the time to allow family from out of town to come in.
One of the really big stressors for me leading up to the day was the fact that my dad's brother was coming to the funeral with my grandma and aunt. Now, this really shouldn't seem like a big stress but to put it into perspective I hadn't seen or spoken with my aunt and uncle in probably 7 years? My grandma I had also lost touch with and that is mostly my own fault. She lives in Wisconsin and it was a very strained relationship with my dad. She always sends up a Christmas card and birthday cards, but I wasn't doing my best to keep up the relationship either. She's 94 and I need to do better with keeping in contact even though my dad wasn't. So... when I found out they were coming I was really worried that I would need to be playing hostess to these people I haven't seen the day of my dad's memorial service. Thankfully it didn't turn out that way. I could also tell that my uncle was pretty upset. However, he and my dad didn't have a great relationship either. I am actually kinda mad at him and I need to get over it. My dad called him when he went into hospice when he was still coherent to talk and make amends. My uncle didn't return his call for 2 weeks. He says he didn't know how to check his voice mail and that's why he never called back until dad was past the point of talking. But I don't know if I believe that. And all I can think of is my dad calling to say he's sorry and waiting for a brother to call him back that never does. We were all shocked to find out they were making the drive back for his funeral. But in the end, I am glad they were there.
The memorial service was really nice I thought. I got to the Chapel at 11:30. Mom and I rode down together. The layout was great. You walk in to this huge open room that had the six huge boards of photos of my dad. In one corner we had a tv scrolling through photos of my dad. And in other areas we had it set up with his personal belongings such as his wake board and his harley gear. My step-brother also brought in a tv that we had an sd card scrolling through all the photos as well.
It was surreal to be standing there and greeting people as they came in. I was so out of sorts the whole day. For most of the visitation I was past the point of being able to cry because I had done so much crying the week before. Plus you are so busy when you are immediate family in this situation because everyone is wanting to come up and give you their condolences and hugs. Everyone for the most part did well with how they were saying things. I did have one person come up and ask how I was doing. They held on a bit too long and then said they knew it must be hard for me to think of the fact that never again would I be able to touch dad's hands or give him a hug (or something around that lines) and I just thought to myself... well gee hadn't gotten to that part of the processing yet so thanks for bringing it up here! But really, other then that people were very good.
I was so glad that my friends were able to be there. The memorial chapel had a room right up front off to the side that was still connected to the main room. So the kids had a great place to spread out, be out of the way, and safely contained. Jessi and Pam actually stayed with Sam during the memorial service. Andrea and Aaron came. And so did Dave and Denise.
Dad had so many people show up. It was really nice to see everyone be there to say their goodbyes. My dad was that kind of person. He was honestly full of life and loved to live his life to the fullest. There were people who hadn't seen him in years but remembered him and wanted to come and tell the family how sorry they were that he was gone and that they had some great memories with him. That makes you feel good. To know how much of an impact he had on people.
The service started at 2. Sam stayed in the side room where I could see him during the service and Ally sat on my lap. It was a shock to be seated right up in the front row for the service. I held it together for about the first 15 minutes. Then just had a really hard time. Paul also had a rough time because for him, it was really the first time it hit that this had happened.
The service format started with a reading from one of Dad's friends by Ben. Then Anna played her flute. Then we had a reading of the song "Forever Young" which is a great summary of dad and how he lived his life. After that the chaplain said some words and then Dad's friend Bob spoke. He did an excellent job describing dad and his life. I am pretty sure that's when I started to cry. After his reading Paul took all the kids up to the front and they sang Jesus Loves Me. I doubt anyone past the first few rows heard them (really only Sam and Emma sang, Ally looked tired, and Luke I believe just hummed along) but it was a very sweet moment from the kids. After that I believe there was a couple more readings and then the Serenity Prayer and The Lord's Prayer. The ending point was going to be the song Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone by Chris Tomlin. This part shocked me. I thought it would just be the song then we would be dismissed. I didn't realize it was when they would have everyone present for the memorial service walk out past you and give you hugs in the front row. I did okay until my best friend from junior high and high school walked past. Mary Sims went on several vacations with my dad and she just gave me a hug and said she was so sorry and I lost it. Poor Ally was in the middle of this hug on my lap and we are both just crying and hugging. It was so great to see her there, but that was one that really just set me off.
After all the hugging and crying and I got through the line of people it was time to gather up our belongings and head to lunch. We went to Texas Corrall in Martinsville for lunch. They did a great buffet set up that was ready when we got there. We had our own private area and could just sit and talk with family and friends that decided to come with us. We got there around 3 and probably stayed until 5. While we were there Sam ended up throwing up. At first I was terrified he had the flu and probably infected all those people who were there. In the end he was fine, with no fever, and only that one episode so I think most likely it was all the junk food he had that day (lots of chocolate during the service) and McDonald's for lunch. So because of that, Paul packed up the kids and left a bit earlier with his parents. Which also helped me be able to go over to other tables to talk with people and visit and not feel like I had to watch out for the kids the whole time.
All in all, the service and lunch really turned out nice. It was a good time to celebrate Dad and think of all the good times he had with others. I was so exhausted by the end of the day though. Definitely ready to crash.
The weekend after the memorial service we had our first family get together. It really hit me at Emma's birthday that he was truly gone. I remember pulling up in front of Jenn's house and looking around. And at that moment it was like, Dad isn't here. He won't be here. And I can't imagine how hard it was for my step-mom to sign Emma's birthday card with just Gram... and not Poppy and Gram.
So yes... one month later I keep getting nasty reality checks. And the tears just start again. This Friday I realized it had been exactly 4 weeks since Dad had died. And I just started crying. I rocked Ally for almost two hours that night and cried the whole time. At some point I'm sure this has to start getting less painful right?
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